Tuesday was the day. Was I going to be able to start my last round of chemo, or were we calling it quits? Can you believe it?, my levels were still too low so no more chemo for me! Yes, I was thrilled. I have been feeling well and was not looking forward to getting beat up by chemo again.
After the doctor told us, I looked over at Jake and thought he was going to throw up. He is so worried about me and doesn't want to see me suffer any more, so now that the odds that the tumor is dead aren't as large, it makes things a little more worrisome.
I have my big scan set up for the 6th, then I will meet with my Dr. the next day, the 7th, to find out the results. Will it be clear and I can say 'I beat cancer!', or will I have to do radiation to finish the tumor off? Oh I sure hope it's not the latter!
Of course, those two days of waiting to hear what my immediate future holds will be very nerve racking and I will most likley eat a lot of candy and watch too much TV (because apparently that's what I do when i'm nervous), but what I told Jake and my family is that I feel good. I feel peace about everything and feel there is no need to worry. Not that I know my cancer is gone and I won't have to experience radiation, but that there is no sense in worrying, because what is meant to be will be, so why worry about something that is out of my control? The Lord has a plan for me, and knows what is best and what I need to go through. I know that is true and I just have to endure well and have faith. Life would be torturous and sad otherwise.
My cute uncle, the one who sends me uplifting quotes every day, shared this with me yesterday, and it pops into my mind multiple times a day now...
What is to give light must endure burning.
Victor E. Frankl
I love that. Also, the word endure has taken on a new meaning to me. First off, the definition of endure is great: to withstand with courage. I dare say that almost every trial or experience in life will require us to have courage. Courage to act alone, courage to continue living and enjoying through hard times, courage to walk in faith down a path of uncertainty, courage to get up every day and face our weaknesses while trying our best to make them strengths, the list is endless. But what I also learned is that 'endure' does not have to be a negative word. My visiting teaching partner pointed that out to me. We hear a lot about enduring well. For me, and through this experience with cancer, I have tried to understand that better and put it to work. And that's exactly what I have learned, that enduring, especially enduring well, takes work. It is an action word. We cannot sit around, hoping and even praying for things to happen or to feel comfort, we must also act. Centering my life around Christ and always recognizing my blessing has made all the difference. We may have trials come our way that last years, or even our lifetime, so if we do not continue living and enjoying the good in this life, we may cause ourselves to miss out on great blessings.
Speaking of great blessings, our friend Mikki Platt took some family pictures for us...all I know is that I am so lucky. Jake and I were sitting in the waiting room at Huntsman when her email came through. I could not hold back my emotions. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I saw the pictures of my precious children and my sweet husband. My family is my treasure. That is what this life is about, family, and i'm so grateful they will be mine for all eternity.
Thank you Mikki! I will cherish these always!
I love you all. Thank you for helping me through my trial. I can honestly say that this has been a good experience, that is in a lot part because of you.